Shyt My Uncle Told Me LOL!

Alotta people that know me will agree that I'm funny. Not sure where I got my humor from but my parents are no comedians, well at least not intentionally. I make real life stuff that happened to me that wasn't remotely funny at the time funny for my listeners. I won't lie I went through some messed up and unneeded stuff as a kid. It's what makes me who I am but now I laugh the pain away because I refuse to be a "case" and can't cope with daily life.

Anyway, my oldest uncle had this thing about "schooling" his young nephews. My uncle was the family barber as a kid. It actually cut 90% of his nephews hair and he did a good job. Props to my uncle because the man is blessed with multi-talented hands. He would sit you on the toilet seat in his bathroom and smoke his cigarette and tell you stories. Some serious and some downright raunchy and humorous. When I was about 13 he figured it was now time to bless the young'n with the verbal knowledge of men.

Lesson 1 STDs
Big unc told me there was a way to find out if a girl was "burning". He swore it was fool proof. The man said your nose could fool you. So don't rely on that but don't disregard it either. The technique was to distract the girl while you are fingering the cooch then sneak a sniff. Sniff test checks out proceed to next mission. The follow on mission required you to play a bit of your ear wax in her cooch without her knowing it. NO LIE! The wise man said if she jumps or squirms something is wrong. I couldn't believe my ears! He told alright fine don't do it and see what happens.

Naw big unc, a condom will do just fine!

Lesson 2 Basic Math
Now this lesson is priceless because I can almost confirm he was living his own words. Trust me I spent enough summers at his house helping out to see this. He told me to stay with from those fine pretty girls because they were too much drama. Okay, he had a point meaning all of the other guys will be after her. Chances are she's going to get conceited and the games began. So what's a dude to do? Get a not so hot chick? Yep!

It was like this according to my uncle, "If you can't get yourself a ten, get five twos." Hmm? The man was an astute mathematician too LOL! Okay the formula was this, well its kinda like a hood Pythagarean Theorem if you will. Each of these said "2" brought something to the table that you needed this ten to but then ten only looked good and was incapable of offering anything but something nice to look at. Basically was a great cook, ultra nice, cleaned for you, super freak and one was there when ever you needed her no matter what. Fellaz the man is probably a genius of sorts because I can't say I found one woman who actually did all of that in one package. You just kinda go through life accepted there's always a category that needs work-lol!

The man actually had women like that around. No lie!

Lesson 3 The Rule of Percentages
Okay finally that made sense to me from the start. He said all women want a man who be the energizer bunny in bed and wow them each time. Basically keep them off balance with new revelations each time out. With that ability you will never be alone he said. Hmmm? Well the man was on to something. For my tricycle with training wheels population he meant go all out sometimes then kinda all out sometimes.